There comes a point in every pregnancy when you realize that your body is no longer your own, and that it's now primarily the home that keeps your baby safe and nourished. I've come to that point now at 22 weeks, and I'm strangely comforted by the realization.
You see, many years ago I had an accidental pregnancy. It's not something I ever talk about, but it's part of my history. I made the decision to end the pregnancy, but in the weeks between finding out and ending it, I felt like I was trapped. I felt like my body was taken under siege by something I didn't plan, something I wasn't prepared for, something that changed me and shook me to my core. I felt like I was imprisoned by a very bad mistake, and I felt tremendous guilt, debilitating guilt, unbearable, unforgivable, rock-my-being guilt because of those feelings and by the choice I knew I had to make. And I did it all alone with only my best friend and my mom in on this secret.
This time, with my wonderful husband by my side and my family and friends happily engaged in the journey, I feel like this baby isn't just growing inside me, but that it's changing the inside of me. It's giving me something I've always craved, always longed for - a true family of my very own. My body hurts, I'm tired, I'm swollen, I'm cranky, my moods are as vast as the sierra dessert... but every day I smile and never feel sorry for myself because giving this baby a home to live in until it says hello to the world, a la Barbara Streisand in Funny Girl, is the very best thing I could do for this child. I look down at my belly with overwhelming joy, and as much as the stretch marks, cellulite, and acne are all horrible side effects, when the new member of our family arrives in February, every mark, pain, discomfort, cramp, and exhausting day will be beyond worth it.
Baby, make my body your home. Kick, swim, twirl, do acrobatics and complicated salsa moves inside me. Grow, eat, change. Use me as your high-end condo. Take advantage of all that room and all the nutrition I'm feeding you without realizing it. And when you join me in my arms and cuddle into me, I will tell you that you were the best darned thing that could have ever happened to me and your dad, and I will reassure you that my body was your home for 9 months, but my heart will always belong to you. I will promise you that you will always be my best decision, my favorite thing, my greatest accomplishment, and I will never let you forget that every minute of this pregnancy was the happiest of my life because it led me straight to you.
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