Changing Seasons...

This Sunday is the first day of Fall, and I'm so excited to have the weather change! It means the start of a lot of my favorite things, and maybe the cooler temperatures will mean a more restful sleep!

I have never written too many personal details about my family, but my husband and I have a somewhat strained relationship with his brother who has battled some issues in the past. This has always distanced Aaron from him, even as young as their early teens. He was fairly good when I first entered their family, and for a few years afterwards. However, after their grandmother passed away, things spiraled again, and we lost the guy we knew, and the guy I cared very deeply for to a world I don't know or understand.

Sunday we are going to my in-laws to celebrate my brother-in-law's birthday, and I never really know what these visits will hold for us. Being pregnant with our first child, family becomes less about us and more about our impending addition. Everything I do now is for the best interest of this baby... how I eat, the decisions I make, the way I look at the world. Putting myself in the middle of uncomfortable situations gives me anxiety, and I know that's not healthy for this baby who turns 20 weeks inside me on Sunday. I'm nervous about having to be fake, I'm scared that my hormones will take control and I'll do or say something I can't take back, I'm worried that I'll want to leave and it will show all over my face. I don't do fake very well. I can't just smile and pretend like I'm happy if I'm not - I've never been a skilled liar and would be an easy opponent in poker! I can't just sit there and celebrate someone who has hurt us time and time and time again and only changes his mood to a sunny disposition when he thinks he's found love... yet again.

I will never claim to understand these demons that he battles with every day. I feel like I have my own issues with anxiety (especially surrounding the home) but I don't know what it's like to be fully entrenched in a disease that changes who you are to the core of your soul. My husband was surrounded by it his own life and still doesn't completely understand it. But I am going to go this weekend, hug my belly, hold my husband's hand, talk to my mother-in-law who I absolutely adore, and try to move on with my life... all the while realizing that in order for this baby to have an uncle in her/his life, I need to make amends with the reality that I can't change who he is, I can only allow him to be his best self around his niece or nephew. And I have the ability to either nurture that relationship or yield it completely. Only time will tell how our new life will unfold. Every day is a new one, each day is a new start, and Sunday is the beginning of a new season, and hopefully also a new chapter in our relationship with someone we love.