Hey Baby...

Tuesday night was our 20 week ultrasound... I was 20 weeks and 2 days...

Here I am... no hiding this belly any longer!

 

I knew I loved this baby from the time the doctor said the test was positive. I fell in love more when we saw the little peanut on the first scan, almost lost it when I heard the heartbeat for the first time, fell harder when the next heartbeat monitor was strong and loud and easy to find... but when I saw her/his face on the screen Tuesday night - I've never felt that kind of love before. At 14oz, this child has a face and little arms and little legs. The tech said that her/his brain looks great, the kidneys are good, all the toes and fingers are there, and she/he was a little yoga master. She/he had lots of room to move around, but liked to curl up into a ball with the legs above the head... swimming around, eating the fluid, moving in little circles. She/he was breach with the head right at my belly button. I couldn't believe that I saw the little lips and nose and ears and feet. I am so in love with this baby already!

 

 

The other interesting part the tech told me was that my placenta is on the front wall which is why it's taking a long time to feel the movement. I was worried before she told me that, so it was quite a relief! In the truck on the way to our appointment, with a completely full bladder, I was sure I felt a kick. But after thinking about it, I think it was my IC-plagued bladder having a spasm. The tech also told us that in the next few weeks, the kicks will feel like real kicks!

 

Ms. Jay is almost ready for Piglet to make her grand entrance - just 4 more weeks to go. Knowing how far she's come with so many obstacles (bad sickies all the way through), I know that the rest of this time acting as the home for this darling baby is going to fly by. As much as I can't wait to meet her/him, I am loving being the home that keeps her/him safe.

 

I love you, baby! You have changed me already and I am loving being your mom already!!!

What the heck is that?

I was driving yesterday on my way to go visit Emily and Daniel, and I undid the buttons on my cardigan. I looked down and I saw it...

 

This, friends, is my pregnant belly. Loud and proud and out there for the world to see and gawk at! Emily, for the first time in this pregnancy, pointed at it and exclaimed "OMG - it's so real now!". And it IS so real now. It's a full-fledged baby belly, not just a sack of jelly belly. It is hard and round and full - and gives Aaron a platform to talk to. This morning, he was trying to see if it echoed in there. And tonight - we meet her/him via ultrasound. My lovely husband is still set on waiting, but at 20 weeks down and 20 weeks to go, I'm actually okay with it. Buuuuuuuuuuuuuut... knowing that tonight we could find out what gender this baby is inside me is pretty exciting!

Other things that are new and not so fantastic:

1. These swollen and sore little tootsies!

2. The W.O.R.S.T. heartburn of my life. Last night it felt like I'd swallowed gasoline - the acid was so bad! It felt like I was tasting the lining of my stomach with every breath. It didn't start going away until about 8:30pm last night, and I woke up with hunger pains because I hadn't eaten much dinner.

3. Acne. I'm hoping this is an indication that it's a girl. The old wives tale says that girls give you acne, while boys clear your skin. Emily had perfect skin and she had a boy. Jay has acne and she's having a girl. A girl can dream! :) I'm sure it's just excess hormones, but it's bad folks!

4. Sore body. Every joint and bone in my body hurts. Aaron bought me a body pillow at Walmart on Saturday and it's helped a lot. But I've always been a belly sleeper, and now I have to be a side sleeper. I will wake up at 3am with a stiff body and have to turn over, which reminds me that I have to pee, which reminds me that my husband is snoring, which reminds me that Keiko is also snoring and taking up the whole foot of the bed. And when I get back to bed to readjust myself to the opposite side, everything hurts!

5. Opinions. I've touched on this before, but one of the worst parts of this pregnancy has been dealing with everyone else's opinions on how we should handle the impending birth of our first child, what we need, what we don't need, what works, what doesn't work, what I should expect, what I should feel, what I should learn, what I should ignore, how much work it will be, how much our lives will change, how much we don't have ANY idea what we're getting into... it's all too much for us to take. We are both in our 30's, and Aaron will be almost a year away from 40 when the baby arrives. We've been around kids our whole lives. We have friends and cousins who are parents... does this make us ready for kids? No. But we're not going in blind either. We're fully aware that parenthood won't be all peaches and cream. We aren't going into this with rose-colored glasses, but we also aren't going into it thinking negatively either. We are just embracing it with open arms, and we are going to be parents to OUR child and will make OUR own decisions. Thank you very much.

Changing Seasons...

This Sunday is the first day of Fall, and I'm so excited to have the weather change! It means the start of a lot of my favorite things, and maybe the cooler temperatures will mean a more restful sleep!

I have never written too many personal details about my family, but my husband and I have a somewhat strained relationship with his brother who has battled some issues in the past. This has always distanced Aaron from him, even as young as their early teens. He was fairly good when I first entered their family, and for a few years afterwards. However, after their grandmother passed away, things spiraled again, and we lost the guy we knew, and the guy I cared very deeply for to a world I don't know or understand.

Sunday we are going to my in-laws to celebrate my brother-in-law's birthday, and I never really know what these visits will hold for us. Being pregnant with our first child, family becomes less about us and more about our impending addition. Everything I do now is for the best interest of this baby... how I eat, the decisions I make, the way I look at the world. Putting myself in the middle of uncomfortable situations gives me anxiety, and I know that's not healthy for this baby who turns 20 weeks inside me on Sunday. I'm nervous about having to be fake, I'm scared that my hormones will take control and I'll do or say something I can't take back, I'm worried that I'll want to leave and it will show all over my face. I don't do fake very well. I can't just smile and pretend like I'm happy if I'm not - I've never been a skilled liar and would be an easy opponent in poker! I can't just sit there and celebrate someone who has hurt us time and time and time again and only changes his mood to a sunny disposition when he thinks he's found love... yet again.

I will never claim to understand these demons that he battles with every day. I feel like I have my own issues with anxiety (especially surrounding the home) but I don't know what it's like to be fully entrenched in a disease that changes who you are to the core of your soul. My husband was surrounded by it his own life and still doesn't completely understand it. But I am going to go this weekend, hug my belly, hold my husband's hand, talk to my mother-in-law who I absolutely adore, and try to move on with my life... all the while realizing that in order for this baby to have an uncle in her/his life, I need to make amends with the reality that I can't change who he is, I can only allow him to be his best self around his niece or nephew. And I have the ability to either nurture that relationship or yield it completely. Only time will tell how our new life will unfold. Every day is a new one, each day is a new start, and Sunday is the beginning of a new season, and hopefully also a new chapter in our relationship with someone we love.

Moms Helping Moms...

It wasn't my intention for this blog to become a forum to vent necessarily, but right now, it's the only thing I want to do, so here it goes!

Since becoming pregnant, I have experienced some of the best and the worst in people. Just like with my wedding, it seems that big life events really shine a light on the people in your life, and you either love them for it or want to scream at them for it.

Recently, I've been really disappointed. I had 2 people in my life offer me things for the baby that they would no longer use, as they are done having children, and once I accepted, they asked for money. I also had someone offer us a lot of things only to turn around and donate it to charity out from under us.

I understand the need as newish parents to want to earn back some of the enormous amounts of money you spend on a new baby, but to offer a pregnant couple something and then ask for money astounds me. You see, I'm a firm believer in karma. I believe that you get back from the world what you put in, and you get back from your friends what you put in. I believe that when you do something good, you will get goodness back. But I'm disappointed in a lot of people and their outright lack of compassion for our situation. We got married last year, purchased our first home, and made a baby - all in the span of 6 months. It's been a whirlwind, but as we soar through our 30's, it was time to do it. It was my sincere hope that the people around us, whether directly or indirectly, would support us in whatever way they could.

I will remember this feeling when it's our turn. I will offer what I can offer to the people who matter and deserve it. In fact, I've offered up things I had left over from my wedding to 2 people I know getting married in 2014 because I can... because I want to! I believe, with everything in my being, that if you can help out a couple with a young child, you should. We hired a mechanic who works from home because he has a new daughter and a new home - he needed the money and we needed the service. We could have saved some money and went somewhere else, but he needed our business for his family's well-being.

My rambling is useless really but I needed to vent. I feel like we have always offered help to our family and friends, and rarely ask for help in return. I feel like it's our turn to receive some kindness, and I feel like people are taking advantage of the situation, and I'm stuck on where to go from here.

Dr. Suess-Themed Shower Extravaganza!

On Saturday, I had the extreme pleasure of hosting my BFF's baby shower. I've been planning it in my head for years, and on paper since pretty much the second that she told me they were expecting! I knew right away that I wanted to do a children's book themed shower, and then I settled on Dr. Seuss. I had so many ideas in my head about what I wanted to do, and I'm so happy that a lot of my vision became reality!

 



 

 Green Eggs - No ham: avocado deviled eggs!

 

Cupcake tower: red velvet and raspberry white chocolate cupcakes. I made the signs, the tower, and the cupcakes from scratch. I even found red and white striped cupcake liners and napkins to go with the theme.

Truffula Trees: themed after the Lorax, I dipped marshmellows in white chocolate and then covered them with different sprinkles and placed them in blue mason jars filled with sugar.

The food table: I themed all the food around Dr. Seuss. I made everything from scratch including the hashbrown casserole, spinach dip, salsa, sandwiches, pitas, veggie platter, and pasta salad.

I fell in love with this diaper cake and made it the centerpiece of the food table. I topped it with a cat in the hat bobble head.

The Drink Station: The very first thing I found when I started purchasing for the shower were these red and white striped paper straws that I knew I wanted to put inside mason jars for the drinks. I made a Raspberry Sorbet punch and a Pineapple Ginger punch.

I made these red and white tissue poms. They didn't turn out as well as I'd hoped, but they fit the theme and made a big impact!

The game and favor table was cute and fit the theme as well. The favors were boxes filled with homemade chocolate drizzled popcorn that Aaron helped me make that morning. They were "Hop on Pop-corn".

 Early in planning, Aaron and I found red and blue gummy fish to go with the guessing game and fit into the one fish, two fish theme of Dr. Seuss!

 



 The Baby Shower sign wasn't in my red and white and blue theme, but was still cute and made a nice focal point for where everyone gathered to eat and open gifts.

 



This was Mama's chair... I got her the Cat in the Hat onesie so Piglet remembers her shower too! :)

Jay and Chad got quite a stash of gifts! They got so many cute outfits for their daughter, and it was a sea of pink and purple. I tried not to do too many "girlie" things, but I couldn't help getting her a few!

Mama and Best Friend - I love this girl. We've been through everything together, and now this journey together as well!

These are my best friends. Emily was missing, but I was so glad that all of us could be together to help celebrate Jay and this huge life moment. A year ago this week the 5 of us were celebrating my stagette, and now one of them has a 2 week old at home, one is due next month, and I'm half-way to baby already!

 

It was an amazing day filled with so much love for Jay and her daughter. I can't wait until she gives birth in late October, and hopefully graces us with her presence before Halloween. She got an adorable First Halloween onesie from Lisa, and I hope she can wear it. I was so happy that I was able to throw her this shower and so excited that she had a great day! Now hurry up and get here, Piglet!

Thursday Confession

Forgive me, father, for I have a confession to make, and it's a doozy! I fully raise my right hand and announce, "My name is Tara and I'm addicted to Real Housewives!" Yes, friends, it is true. I'm addicted to Real Housewives, their drama, their feuds, their break-ups and make-ups, their ridiculous lifestyles, their fancy dresses and over-the-top jewels, their outrageous antics and quick trips around the world. It is all fascinating.

 

My favorite by far is the original, the one that started it all, The Real Housewives of Orange County. Vicki is the only one of the original cast still standing, albeit with a new face and a new man. I love the addition of some new cast members in the last 2 seasons, and I can't get enough of their antics.

I also love Beverly Hills, Atlanta, and New Jersey. I never got into Miami and lost interest in New York when Bethany left. There is something about these strong, powerful, often successful and business-minded women acting like high school rivals that keeps me coming back for more year in and year out. They drive me insane and sometimes I want to throw my cup of tea at the television screen, but at the same time, they are like a car wreck that I continue to stop and watch.

Vancouver had a franchise as well, but has been put on hold. I'm a Canadian girl through and through and didn't have high hopes for this series. However, I think that it held it's own next to its American counter-parts. However, I was embarrassed every single episode watching the way these ladies portrayed themselves and how mean and malicious they were towards Mary. It was cowardly and cruel and I couldn't believe these women lived in my city!

Anyways, that's my Thursday rambling about one of my many vices... I'm officially addicted to the drama of these spoiled, fake, hypocritical, self-centered women, and can't wait until Beverly Hills returns! :)

I think I can...

I sat down last night to write in my pregnancy journal, given to me by Ms. Jay. I love reading about the pregnancy progression as it happens because Peanut is growing so fast in such a short amount of time.

Each week gives you a topic on what to write about, and the topic this time was "How do you feel about having a boy or girl?" In complete honesty, I want a girl really badly. But I won't be disappointed in the least if I have a boy. There are things that are engrained in your head that are just hard to knock loose, and I always just thought I'd have a girl and then a boy, just like in my family with me and my cousins.

Through my journaling I started thinking about this beautiful baby growing inside me and what she/he might become. I realized that even though I want a girl, it could be a boy. Even though Aaron wants a boy, it could be a girl. But that doesn't mean that we have to push traditional roles on them. I want this baby to be whatever it decides to be, whoever it decides to be. She can become a plumber. He can become a seamstress. She can play professional hockey. He can dance in the ballet. She can gut a fish. He can bake a cake. We are not going to allow societal norms dictate who our child will become in life. We want to allow her/him to form opinions, explore life, test the waters, create a path through the world that is unique and individual and full of wonder. We want to be the kinds of parents who give their children wings through support and understanding, allowing them to fly while staying grounded.

Whatever gender is developing inside my body, we will love it through and through from the second it takes its first breath. After all, I've loved it since the doctor said "you're pregnant".

I.C. Pain

I touched briefly before about living with Interstitial Cystitis. I wasn't sure how dealing with it during pregnancy was going to go - I don't know anyone personally who has what I have, let alone gone through pregnancy with it. 

I've done a little reading, and basically, women who suffer from IC can either have it worsen or almost disappear while carrying a child. It is not passed on to the children, from what they can gather, and it doesn't affect reproduction or the living fetus. However, many of the medications prescribed haven't been tested on women who are pregnant either. Luckily for me, I don't take medication. It's not for lack of wanting to, but more that I took so many incorrect pills during the period of time that I went undiagnosed that I developed an immunity to the majority of drugs for that type of pain. I now just choose to go without.

Also luckily for me, I have an amazing surgeon who relieves my pain through surgery every year and a half or so. This time however, when the symptoms came back and I was able to go in for a referral, I found out I was pregnant. I was overjoyed at the news, and slightly concerned at what was in store for me.

Sorry for being long-winded here, but I'm getting to my point. I'm in pain. I'm in a lot of pain. Compounded with my exhaustion and achy body is now a severe pain caused by my IC. On top of having IC, I have Hunner's which is ulcers that develop on my bladder that makes everything so much worse. There are many people who have it worse than me. Through online support groups, I've heard that some people are unable to work or have stable relationships. I'm thankful that I can live a full life while living with this condition. But I have to say it again... I'm in a LOT of pain. I try not to bore family, friends, and my husband with my belly-aching about it because I dealt with it for 7 or 8 years before I knew what I really had, much of the time complaining about how awful I felt. I wouldn't want to hear about it anymore, so why would they? But I have to say that this is harder than I imagined it would be. The weight of my growing insides are pushing on my bladder, intensifying all the pain I'd normally have. The uncomfortable throbbing inside me is making me crazy. It's taking a toll on my emotional well-being because in addition to feeling beyond tired and cranky, I now have to have a constant reminder in my pelvic area that I'm different. I'm suffering silently.

I'm going to go home, put on my pajamas, and try to lay down with a hot water bottle. I'm going to try to not be miserable. I'm going to try to not be angry at my body and at the world. I'm going to kiss my husband and thank him yet again for putting up with me.

Good night!

Cravings of a Pregnant Lady...

Did you have any strange or overwhelming cravings when you were pregnant? Did you want something so badly that you'd stop at nothing to get it?

 

I haven't so much yet, but I have had a few minor ones:

 

1. Watermelon - for the first entire trimester, I think we went through 4 whole large watermelons. I wanted it all the time!

 

2. Fried Pickles - I searched all over the tri-cities for fried pickles, and found them. I still want them all the time (delish!) but it's an indulgence that I keep to a minimum.

 

3. Sweets - cookies, cookies, cookies! Pie, cheesecake, tarts, etc.

 

4. Summer rolls - these are those delicious rice paper wraps filled with vermicelli noodles and usually shrimp and veggies. You dip them in creamy peanut sauce and stuff your face! Yum!

 

5. Salsa - there's a post coming up about this. Good salsa reminds me now of our beautiful honeymoon!

 

6. Pho - I can't eat pho because it's always made with meaty broth, but I have made it at home before. I may have to try it again. 

 

7. Meat - I've been a vegetarian for 16 years. I started consuming seafood about 9 years ago, but lately I've been turned off by seafood and craving ribs, bacon, and steak. I'm not sure what to do about that. It makes me think that the baby needs it!

8. Thai food - pretty much any curry really, but Thai curry in particular. I can't get enough.

9. Disgusting neon orange chili cheese sauce - self-explanatory.

10. Ice Cream - any and all frozen products from ice cream to popsicles to slushies to milkshakes.

None of these have been the kind of craving that wakes me up at night or that I send Aaron to the store for at 4am. None of them have affected my well-being, but I am pretty sure that it may get worse before it gets better! :)

A New Addition...

Emily and Andrei officially became parents at 9am on August 29th to a beautiful son named Daniel. He was a pretty long little guy and weighed in around 7lbs, 2oz.

Aaron and I got the chance to go visit him Friday after work, and he was already a wonderful addition to their beautiful family. He's feeding well, sleeping for about 2 hours after meals, and giving his mom and dad all sorts of love they've never known.

Emily and Andrei are two of the most insanely wonderful people we've ever known. They are so generous, helpful, kind, and thoughtful. Emily has a strong will and a great laugh, the mouth of a trucker and a heart of gold that she shares with the people she loves. She will tell it like it is, never hold back, and give you the shirt off her back if it meant that you'd be warm. This beautiful child couldn't have happened to a better couple.

This was us at lunch on Sunday, and then on Thursday she was a mom!

I hope that we have a girl so they can get married someday! Andrei was already planning our family vacations with our grandchildren! :)

Welcome to the world, Daniel!!! We love you already!