Making Him a Priority...

I had a very interesting conversation on the weekend with someone who said that she would rather stay home with her kids than leave them to spend time with her husband. She thought that the kids are small for such a short amount of time, that she had many years to come to be with him and that she'd rather develop a relationship with her children while they are young.

I have always had it in my mind that my husband and I would continue our date night traditions even after the kids are born. Some date nights, of course, will include the kids. But we have said that if we are able to afford it and find the energy for it, we would like to leave the baby with the grandparents so we can leave the house for a few hours together as a couple. We want to continue to have date nights, just the two of us, alone, one-on-one. We want to continue to grow our relationship as husband and wife, not just as the parents of unnamed baby.

Growing up my parents took time for themselves. I remember spending nights at home with babysitters or my nana, or going to my aunt's condo for an evening or staying overnight with my Grandma because my parents went away for a weekend or wanted an evening alone. We also went to stay with my aunt and uncle at their trailer in the states, or went to summer camp. This wasn't always just for us - it was for my parents. And my parents never hid this fact from us! They told us that they were still in love and wanted to go on a date. And we understood that in order for them to do adult things, they needed to have a break from us and, in all honesty, we needed a break from them as well so that we learned some independence and saw different perspectives. It never made us love them any less.

Aaron's parents, on the other hand, spent that time away from their kids to engage in partying. They had different priorities at that point in their lives. They worked hard all week at the business that they owned, and spent their weekends with their friends being consumed in their bad habits, making poor choices that made their children resent them, coming home late so as to not be able to wake up to make breakfast. Their priorities weren't always their children or their own marriage. This has since changed, but growing up, Aaron didn't have a great role model for a healthy marriage, and it carried into all of his relationships, including with me at the beginning. Again, his parents now have a wonderful marriage, and are celebrating 45 years this weekend. They are very much in love and are very committed to their marriage and their partnership.

You see, my husband is my first priority. My husband is my favorite person in the entire world. My husband is everything to me. And if I allow my responsibilities to interfere with my marriage, I will be turning my husband into a co-parent and roommate instead of my partner. It is my own (humble) opinion that if our marriage suffers for the sake of the children, we are giving them a toxic example of what a relationship looks like, and they will in turn go out and seek unhealthy partnerships, using our marriage as their model. I want our children to be able to use us as their point of reference, as the core of their value system for what a nourished, strong marriage should be. And in order for us to give them this model, we need to continue to focus on our own relationship. Leaving our baby with Nana or Grandpa for a few hours a month so that we can reconnect as partners is not going to put any sort of fracture in our connection with our child. If anything, it will help our baby build a bond with its grandparents and learn that they can rely on other members of our family. The last thing we want to do is make them so dependent on us that they feel lost when we aren't around. Building independence is important to the growth of their personalities and confidence.

So... date nights in our house WILL happen. A night away WILL occur. We will not allow ourselves to become strangers who pass each other in the halls. We will not allow ourselves to lose sight of the reason why we fell in love in the first place. We will shave, put on some nice clothes, and try to impress each other with witty lines and fancy dance moves. We will eat delicious food, walk hand in hand, entice each other with naughty invitations... and we will do so alone, as husband and wife. And when we wake up in the morning, we will go back to making our child our number one, never forgetting about each other in the process. After all, we made the choice to become a couple, to move in together, to marry, to buy a home together, to bring this child into the world, and we will make the choice to always continue to choose each other, and to remember why we made those choices to begin with - because he is my priority and I am his.

From Across The World...

My Auntie Robin and Uncle Ted have always been part of my life, in fact, a very big part of my life. I've talked about them before, but I wanted to delve a little deeper into our relationship.

 

 

 

My aunt is my mom's older sister. Our families were always very close growing up, and my dad was actually my aunt's friend who my Nana convinced to ask my mom our on a date. And history was made! When I was 2 years old, we moved into Kanata Co-op where my aunt's family already lived, as did my Grandpa. So they were a 5 minute walk away from our house. I remember spending a lot of time at their place playing with my cousin Ben. They took us camping with them to their trailer in Whatcom County, Washington. My aunt got tickets for herself, my mom, and I to my first ever concert when I was eleven - New Kids on the Block. My uncle coached my brother's hockey team. My aunt often did crafts with me or taught me how to use the computer. Our families shared a motorhome, spent every birthday, holiday, and Christmas together, as well as just many meals and events. Our two families were very close.

 

When my parents broke up because my dad left, my aunt and uncle took it just as hard as the rest of us did. It took them a very long time to forgive him, but now that it's all in the past, we can all be together as a family. Spending our first holiday together for Easter in 2012 was a remarkable event - it was my brother's 30th birthday, it was 7 months until we got married, and it was the first holiday we hosted for everyone.

 

I've found that in the last 5 years I've been able to reconnect with my aunt again on a level that is different, as adults. We joined Weight Watchers together. She was one of the first to learn about Aaron right after we met. She was one of our biggest cheerleaders. During our wedding planning, they were very helpful and generous. And when we said our I Do's, my aunt was crying more than any other person in the audience, and it was so embarrassing for my uncle! My aunt is the matriarch of our family now, and she really does keep our family whole. When we announced that we were pregnant at my aunt's 60th surprise party, she was almost as excited as my mom, and throughout this journey so far, they have been so wonderful and thoughtful!

 

They are more than just my aunt and uncle - they are a lot more. They are such kind, generous, lovely people who have been married for over 40 years and continue to grow together. They are both very family-oriented, and would do anything for anyone who needed help!

 

I think what makes me love them even more is that they have truly accepted Aaron as part of our family. In fact, they have more than just accepted him or welcomed him, they have embraced him. They love him so much, and his relationship with them is better than his relationship with anyone in his own family.

 

They recently returned from a month-long once-in-a-lifetime trip to Europe, and brought all of these wonderful things back for the baby!

 

We're very lucky to have them in our lives, and can't wait to see the baby dressed in all these beautiful things from the other side of the world! This baby will be so lucky to have a great aunt and uncle like them!

The Rock Rocks...

No, not that Rock!

This rock...

When we were camping, my Auntie Robin and I were trying to keep the kids busy while we packed up the campsite. We were attempting arts and crafts, but the kids kept dropping all the supplies in the dirt and it turned into complete chaos! Instead, we went on the hunt for cool looking rocks. Again, that didn't last long.

The following weekend at a family dinner, Calista very proudly marched up to me and told me she had something for the baby. She presented me with this lovely painted rock! I told her that it will have a very special place in the baby's nursery, and I plan on putting it on display for the baby to see from her/his crib.

Calista and I are very much alike! She loves ballet and dance and singing, but she's also recently joined a hockey team. I was the same... except I tried out for a boys hardball team and almost made it were it not for the fear of a coach allowing girls to play on his team with the boys. Anyways, she can play in the mud or dress up like a princess. She is the best of all worlds, and I adore her for so many reasons. She has the ability to be silly and funny and cute and sweet. She also has the ability to be strong-willed and determined. She is a lot of what I hope my future daughter becomes. She has the ability to make friends quickly, make people feel loved and welcomes, make the world a little brighter. She makes my heart soar!

When I had breakfast with her on Sunday morning, she rushed right up to say hello to my belly with a very loud "HI BABY"! It's becoming more noticeable, and she's enjoying being curious about it. She made a BABY label on a label maker (see - a girl after my own heart!), and thought it was hilarious when I labeled my belly with it. She thought the gifts my Aunt and Uncle brought back from Europe were super sweet, and when I told her we'd see her next weekend for Thanksgiving, she squealed with delight!

I can't wait to see my peanut and its munchkin cousin grow up together, and I hope they will all be just as close as I was with my cousins growing up!

My body is your home...

There comes a point in every pregnancy when you realize that your body is no longer your own, and that it's now primarily the home that keeps your baby safe and nourished. I've come to that point now at 22 weeks, and I'm strangely comforted by the realization.

You see, many years ago I had an accidental pregnancy. It's not something I ever talk about, but it's part of my history. I made the decision to end the pregnancy, but in the weeks between finding out and ending it, I felt like I was trapped. I felt like my body was taken under siege by something I didn't plan, something I wasn't prepared for, something that changed me and shook me to my core. I felt like I was imprisoned by a very bad mistake, and I felt tremendous guilt, debilitating guilt, unbearable, unforgivable, rock-my-being guilt because of those feelings and by the choice I knew I had to make. And I did it all alone with only my best friend and my mom in on this secret.

This time, with my wonderful husband by my side and my family and friends happily engaged in the journey, I feel like this baby isn't just growing inside me, but that it's changing the inside of me. It's giving me something I've always craved, always longed for - a true family of my very own. My body hurts, I'm tired, I'm swollen, I'm cranky, my moods are as vast as the sierra dessert... but every day I smile and never feel sorry for myself because giving this baby a home to live in until it says hello to the world, a la Barbara Streisand in Funny Girl, is the very best thing I could do for this child. I look down at my belly with overwhelming joy, and as much as the stretch marks, cellulite, and acne are all horrible side effects, when the new member of our family arrives in February, every mark, pain, discomfort, cramp, and exhausting day will be beyond worth it.

Baby, make my body your home. Kick, swim, twirl, do acrobatics and complicated salsa moves inside me. Grow, eat, change. Use me as your high-end condo. Take advantage of all that room and all the nutrition I'm feeding you without realizing it. And when you join me in my arms and cuddle into me, I will tell you that you were the best darned thing that could have ever happened to me and your dad, and I will reassure you that my body was your home for 9 months, but my heart will always belong to you. I will promise you that you will always be my best decision, my favorite thing, my greatest accomplishment, and I will never let you forget that every minute of this pregnancy was the happiest of my life because it led me straight to you.

Hey Baby...

Tuesday night was our 20 week ultrasound... I was 20 weeks and 2 days...

Here I am... no hiding this belly any longer!

 

I knew I loved this baby from the time the doctor said the test was positive. I fell in love more when we saw the little peanut on the first scan, almost lost it when I heard the heartbeat for the first time, fell harder when the next heartbeat monitor was strong and loud and easy to find... but when I saw her/his face on the screen Tuesday night - I've never felt that kind of love before. At 14oz, this child has a face and little arms and little legs. The tech said that her/his brain looks great, the kidneys are good, all the toes and fingers are there, and she/he was a little yoga master. She/he had lots of room to move around, but liked to curl up into a ball with the legs above the head... swimming around, eating the fluid, moving in little circles. She/he was breach with the head right at my belly button. I couldn't believe that I saw the little lips and nose and ears and feet. I am so in love with this baby already!

 

 

The other interesting part the tech told me was that my placenta is on the front wall which is why it's taking a long time to feel the movement. I was worried before she told me that, so it was quite a relief! In the truck on the way to our appointment, with a completely full bladder, I was sure I felt a kick. But after thinking about it, I think it was my IC-plagued bladder having a spasm. The tech also told us that in the next few weeks, the kicks will feel like real kicks!

 

Ms. Jay is almost ready for Piglet to make her grand entrance - just 4 more weeks to go. Knowing how far she's come with so many obstacles (bad sickies all the way through), I know that the rest of this time acting as the home for this darling baby is going to fly by. As much as I can't wait to meet her/him, I am loving being the home that keeps her/him safe.

 

I love you, baby! You have changed me already and I am loving being your mom already!!!

What the heck is that?

I was driving yesterday on my way to go visit Emily and Daniel, and I undid the buttons on my cardigan. I looked down and I saw it...

 

This, friends, is my pregnant belly. Loud and proud and out there for the world to see and gawk at! Emily, for the first time in this pregnancy, pointed at it and exclaimed "OMG - it's so real now!". And it IS so real now. It's a full-fledged baby belly, not just a sack of jelly belly. It is hard and round and full - and gives Aaron a platform to talk to. This morning, he was trying to see if it echoed in there. And tonight - we meet her/him via ultrasound. My lovely husband is still set on waiting, but at 20 weeks down and 20 weeks to go, I'm actually okay with it. Buuuuuuuuuuuuuut... knowing that tonight we could find out what gender this baby is inside me is pretty exciting!

Other things that are new and not so fantastic:

1. These swollen and sore little tootsies!

2. The W.O.R.S.T. heartburn of my life. Last night it felt like I'd swallowed gasoline - the acid was so bad! It felt like I was tasting the lining of my stomach with every breath. It didn't start going away until about 8:30pm last night, and I woke up with hunger pains because I hadn't eaten much dinner.

3. Acne. I'm hoping this is an indication that it's a girl. The old wives tale says that girls give you acne, while boys clear your skin. Emily had perfect skin and she had a boy. Jay has acne and she's having a girl. A girl can dream! :) I'm sure it's just excess hormones, but it's bad folks!

4. Sore body. Every joint and bone in my body hurts. Aaron bought me a body pillow at Walmart on Saturday and it's helped a lot. But I've always been a belly sleeper, and now I have to be a side sleeper. I will wake up at 3am with a stiff body and have to turn over, which reminds me that I have to pee, which reminds me that my husband is snoring, which reminds me that Keiko is also snoring and taking up the whole foot of the bed. And when I get back to bed to readjust myself to the opposite side, everything hurts!

5. Opinions. I've touched on this before, but one of the worst parts of this pregnancy has been dealing with everyone else's opinions on how we should handle the impending birth of our first child, what we need, what we don't need, what works, what doesn't work, what I should expect, what I should feel, what I should learn, what I should ignore, how much work it will be, how much our lives will change, how much we don't have ANY idea what we're getting into... it's all too much for us to take. We are both in our 30's, and Aaron will be almost a year away from 40 when the baby arrives. We've been around kids our whole lives. We have friends and cousins who are parents... does this make us ready for kids? No. But we're not going in blind either. We're fully aware that parenthood won't be all peaches and cream. We aren't going into this with rose-colored glasses, but we also aren't going into it thinking negatively either. We are just embracing it with open arms, and we are going to be parents to OUR child and will make OUR own decisions. Thank you very much.

Changing Seasons...

This Sunday is the first day of Fall, and I'm so excited to have the weather change! It means the start of a lot of my favorite things, and maybe the cooler temperatures will mean a more restful sleep!

I have never written too many personal details about my family, but my husband and I have a somewhat strained relationship with his brother who has battled some issues in the past. This has always distanced Aaron from him, even as young as their early teens. He was fairly good when I first entered their family, and for a few years afterwards. However, after their grandmother passed away, things spiraled again, and we lost the guy we knew, and the guy I cared very deeply for to a world I don't know or understand.

Sunday we are going to my in-laws to celebrate my brother-in-law's birthday, and I never really know what these visits will hold for us. Being pregnant with our first child, family becomes less about us and more about our impending addition. Everything I do now is for the best interest of this baby... how I eat, the decisions I make, the way I look at the world. Putting myself in the middle of uncomfortable situations gives me anxiety, and I know that's not healthy for this baby who turns 20 weeks inside me on Sunday. I'm nervous about having to be fake, I'm scared that my hormones will take control and I'll do or say something I can't take back, I'm worried that I'll want to leave and it will show all over my face. I don't do fake very well. I can't just smile and pretend like I'm happy if I'm not - I've never been a skilled liar and would be an easy opponent in poker! I can't just sit there and celebrate someone who has hurt us time and time and time again and only changes his mood to a sunny disposition when he thinks he's found love... yet again.

I will never claim to understand these demons that he battles with every day. I feel like I have my own issues with anxiety (especially surrounding the home) but I don't know what it's like to be fully entrenched in a disease that changes who you are to the core of your soul. My husband was surrounded by it his own life and still doesn't completely understand it. But I am going to go this weekend, hug my belly, hold my husband's hand, talk to my mother-in-law who I absolutely adore, and try to move on with my life... all the while realizing that in order for this baby to have an uncle in her/his life, I need to make amends with the reality that I can't change who he is, I can only allow him to be his best self around his niece or nephew. And I have the ability to either nurture that relationship or yield it completely. Only time will tell how our new life will unfold. Every day is a new one, each day is a new start, and Sunday is the beginning of a new season, and hopefully also a new chapter in our relationship with someone we love.